16 Ways to Fight Fair in Relationships | | Spence Counseling Center
Fighting fairly is a way to manage conflict and the feelings that come with it Know your goals beforehand: Before you begin conflict resolution. It's not the conflict that's bad for the health of the relationship, it's how we go about it. Here are five “rules” to learning the art of fair fighting. to find a resolution, and gives us practice in speaking up about what we need within. All couples fight, but those who fight fair are the ones who tend to stick . It's often the easiest way to resolve a conflict, he explains, but for.
14 Tips for Fighting Fair With Your Partner | HuffPost
It is a healthy way to have conflict. Ground Rules Know your goals beforehand: Before you begin conflict resolution, ask yourself what issue is bothering you? What do you want the other person to do or not do? Are your feelings in proportion to the conflict?
What are the possible outcomes that could be acceptable to you? Fight by mutual consent: A good fight demands two ready participants. It should be as soon as possible but agreeable to both persons. Try not to spring a conversation on someone when they are unprepared. If you encounter resistance to setting a time, try to help the other person see that this issue is important to you.
The Art of Fighting Fair in a Relationship
Stick to the present: Do not bring up past mistakes of the other person. Storing up lots of grievances or hurt feelings over time is counterproductive to the goal of resolving the issue at hand.
Try to deal with problems as they arise. Stick to the subject: Limit this fighting to this subject. Do not throw every other problem into it; tackle each problem separately. Invite the other person to share their viewpoint: The important message is to never defend accusations from one's partner. Simply and genuinely listen. Be present in the moment with interest. Really listening means to open your heart and shut off any inner dialogue that attempts to answer what your partner is saying.
Use descriptive language to explain your feelings and never interrupt. Open your heart and be flexible.
25 Ways to Fight Fair - For Your Marriage
Remember that we are a species in evolution and our lives are always in motion. It is important to be able to go with the flow. Though we all fear the unfamiliar, by being flexible, we can be available to the change and growth of our partners and ourselves.
Don't perform for approval. Say what you really feel, not what you think your partner wants to hear.
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Value yourself and validate yourself. If you do, your partner will value you as well. Mutuality is essential in relationship. So, listen to your inner voice and be who you are. That is the only way to be loved. Trust is based on experience. Honesty really is the best policy.
16 Ways to Fight Fair in Relationships
Don't keep secrets that are important to the relationship from your mate. If you do, they will ultimately turn around and bite you. It is better for your partner to hear the truth of any situation from you.
Once trust is broken, it is very difficult to rebuild. When fighting using the empathic process, it is important to fight fairly. Never use any information about your mate in a negative way. If your partner reveals something tender, hold it sacred.
If in the heat of battle you attack your mate with a shared confidence, you will not be given that confidence easily again. For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent.
Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing. Keep your fights to yourself. Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a counselor. Good counseling is like medicine — it helps do what you might not be able to do alone. Handling anger in front of children. When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them.
You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.
Agree in advance that real violence is always ruled out.
Is the problem elsewhere? Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily or only secondarily within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues.
It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish. Crying is a valid response to how we feel. Do not, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict.